I Know

I know the shortest distance from my house to yours.

I know the shortest distance from my house to the house that was yours until you left and a stranger painted your front door red.

I know this city better than the one at home, but I can't help missing 12:30 at 3:30, I can't help missing the heaviness of fog and the smell--stale fruit and smoke.

I know you wouldn't have left if I hadn't left.

I know the smell of St. Mary candles and truck stop matches from you. I know the taste of cake batter and whiskey.

I know the sound of September--the bustling of trucks on the highway behind my house and your laughter. The leaves are still on the trees and the sky is yellow.

I know the lies we both tell and how we want them to be truths. There are strangers where I once sat.

I know gravity exists and jet engines and time zones.

I know the day seems too long. Remember driving home on highway five and the sun low and large.

I know this song by heart. And your voice chiming in and your mother at the door saying shhhh.

I know the figure on the hill is you now and always will be. Early fall and there are leaves everywhere and you are seven hours North. I squint my eyes to look for your cigarette's glow.

I know the door against my back after goodbye. I cry delayed--I'm sorry if you thought I wasn't sad.

I know your small hands and all thirty knuckles. It's raining, now, and you don't mind.

I know everything is not how it seems. We stumble on the train tracks and share a pack of smokes. The red mourning balloons lift. You reach for my hand and fall short.

We know the backseat and the pull of the engine. Town limits are half an hour back and a pop station blares.

I know the sand we drag home. I find your hairbrush in a drawer when I visit for Christmas. I find a picture of you standing on the beach and the sun flares.

I know the sound of lift off and your tiny voice on the runway, praying.

I know you like the back of my hand. That is to say, I know you like you are a piece of me, which you aren't, and never have been, not even close.

I know you know what comes next. The days only get longer from here, but colder still.